Despair
by SlytherinElektra
Summary: After hearing Emma when they appeared back in Granny's Hook is in drinking on the docks, giving in to melancholy. Hook angst with a side Captain Charming friendship. Post 5X01.


Killian was simply drinking of the dock, seriously considering jumping in the freezing water and going for a swim. Or not even swimming. Who cared anymore.

He'd lost the only thing that mattered... again.

Only this time he didn't have his ship, or his crew, or someone to blame - he couldn't have vengeance, and he didn't even know how he'd lost her. The only thing that he knew was that he had lost her, just like he'd lost Milah and that the only thing he had left was his rum. And not even that was comforting, no matter how much he drank. But it was the only thing that he'd left.

Two women he'd loved and they'd been taken by the Dark One. Hook should have known by now, that he wasn't supposed to be happy, that he was fated to lose everything he loved. He felt useless, worthless. He hadn't been able to protect Milah and he hadn't been able to deter Emma from going dark. She even said that they would be punished for what they did to her... What could they have done? What could he had done to her?

Maybe he would never know. Maybe he'd done something terribly bad to this Dark Swan and she would get him in retribution. Hook couldn't imagine her killing her parents, or even Regina, but he... He was expendable. And it would tell everyone that she was serious, that she meant business. So why wait for the inevitable doom? Why not disappear now once and for all, be a problem less. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but well rum hadn't put thoughts in his head that were foreign. It only made them surface.

Ever since he'd met Emma and had come to Storybrooke he'd endured all sorts of sufferings. He'd been run over, he'd been abandoned, nearly drowned (more than once), lost his heart, being insulted and rejected too many times to count... But he thought it was all worth it because in the end, he would get to see Emma happy, and maybe he'd managed to get a place in his heart. Now it seemed useless, pointless, a bloody waste of time and hope.

Hope is the enemy. _If you can't fix what's broken, you'll go insane_. He didn't remember where he'd heard that, but it totally fit right now. It was the absolute truth. Hope, no matter how much these heroes preached about it, was the enemy. It only made everything hurt so much more when things inevitably went to hell.

He had nothing. He had no one. He hadn't been enough, not quick enough, not strong enough, not enough to save Emma. Useless, worthless pirate. Good for nothing. Probably better in the bottom of the sea. He had failed Emma, and no matter how, he didn't want to live with that. He'd failed the only women he loved. Useless pirate.

He would miss her, of course he would but he was missing her already. This way, at least, there would be less pain. Only the cold embrace of the sea, the only place where he belonged anymore.

With a last goodbye to his beloved, he jumped in the sea, so drunk that the whole world was spinning. He closed his eyes and let himself sink, embraced by the ever present cold.

-

He could only hear voices.

"It had to be her. Who else would drop him off and disappear and leave no trace in cameras or anything else? There was magic involved, and Regina was with Robin and Roland." A female voice said, soft but hopeful.

"Besides, I don't think she cares that much about Hook." A quite familiar male one answered.

"That could mean that she still cares about people besides Henry, that there's still love in her. It's a good sign."

"Yeah, well, Hook almost drowning doesn't look like a good sign to me... About anything."

It was Belle and Charming, he recognised the voices now. So someone had rescued him from the dark waters and Belle suspected it had been Emma, even beneath her layers of evilness. Killian was inclined to believe something else. Maybe one of the fairies, maybe a new enemy that meant to use him for something. But not her. She didn't care anymore. That much he did know.

He kept his eyes closed, pretended to be asleep. He didn't have strength to face the world. He would get there again, just not yet.

"What do you think happened?" David asked.

"What else? He was drinking too much and he fell on the water." Belle said, matter-of-factly."Maybe we should do some sort of intervention on the rum business after this is sorted out."

"I don't know. He practically gave it up when he was with Emma, only drank in special occasions, or after bad days. But of course, now every day is a bad day."

"It's hard to lose the one you love to the darkness, I know, and don't wish it anyone."

"And he doesn't have anyone else in this town beside Emma. I mean, I like to think that Mary Margaret and I are his friends, but I doubt he would come to us for comfort."

"What if he didn't fall? What if someone threw him there? It wouldn't be the first time someone has tried to kill Hook in this town."

"Maybe we should have lept a closer eye on him..."

"I can take care of myself just fine, thanks, love." Killian said, finally opening his eyes and make his presence known.

David smiled.

"How are you feeling?"

"I've had worse days. Am I... Am I in your bedroom, mate?"

"Yes, well, someone left you in my doorstep and Mary Margaret and I thought that we should get you the most comfortable, you looked so pale... and well, drowned that."

It was indeed strangely comfortable in that bed, all cotton and blankets... Wait, where was his leather? He looked down and saw only pale blue cotton.

"Your clothes were soaked, so we put you in one of my pyjamas."

Killian wanted to be angry, but didn't know at what. The prince had only meant to help.

"Of course. Thanks, mate. And what are you doing here, love? I thought you'd be bored of bedsides."

"I heard what happened and wanted to make sure you were all right."

"The lady love of my enemy concerned about my health. You're too good for your own... well, good, Belle."

"Do you remember what happened? Did you see who took you out of the water?" She asked.

"I didn't... I didn't see anyone. I was in the water, sinking and... when I woke up, I was here."

"So we still don't know who rescued him."

"Well, I'm glad to see you in one piece, Killian, but I should probably get back to my research. You rest up now, okay?"

And so she left and it was only Hook and Charming.

"You probably have business to tend to, prince. Don't let me keep you."

"No, I think I will stay here for a while, or else you'll escape this bed the moment I'm gone."

There was something in Killian's eyes, a kind of deep rooted despair that David had never seen in him, not even when they first met and he was on revenge. He seemed smaller, less threatening without all the black leather. Just a sad guy in an ill-fitting pyjama.

Snow had been there with him when they found him. Someone (hopefully Emma) had left him there on the doorway and rang the buzzer. When they opened the door Mary Margaret let out a small scream and he went to the unconscious pirate as fast as possible, to see how he was. He was thankfully alive and breathing, but terribly pale, cold and wet everywhere, in addition to being unresponsive.

After a few seconds trying to wake him up, David took him in his arms and they put him on the sofa, trying to assess the damage and counter it. It had been quite scary, to be honest. They had lost Emma to darkness and it had been hard on all of them. They couldn't lose anybody else, much less Killian.

He may not have magic, or be the best role model, but he had a good heart and was making amends for his past sins, without pretending to be some beacon of light. He knew what he was and what he had been and didn't hide or asked for applause for making the right choices. And he'd been with them in many adventures (on opposites sides at first, then on the same) and he would miss him if he left.

And to be honest, he undersood why Killian had sought revenge for so long. David had had a mother that he loved dearly, a love who'd always found him and later even a kingdom that adored him. But Hook had lost everything: first his dad, then his brother (along with his faith in his king), then his hand and finally the woman he loved, whose heart had been crushed in front of his very eyes. And so the only way of coping with all that for him had been vengeance, making the killer of his love pay.

It was not the right way, of course, but if Snow had been taken in such a fashion David knew he'd thought about it - and that maybe it was in vengeful thoughts where he'd the only solace, the only comfort for his inmense grief. And besides, Killian hadn't gone through with his vengeance. Gold was powerless in his shop, alive, the man responsible for Milah and partly for Emma's predicament too.

David tried to imagine how he'd feel if he had no home, no family and no one that he felt he could lean on, and had the woman he loved look through an stranger's eyes and tell him that he had failed her, that he would be pusnished for whatever he did and that she was now his worst enemy, well... It wasn't pretty.

"We'll save her, Killian. We will find a way to fix this and fix our failures."

"Aye, you probably will."

"And you will be with us."

There was a smile, a reassurance.

"Get some rest. Try not to think dark thoughts. She did take you out of the water, didn't she? You must matter more than you know."

And that was exactly what Killian had needed to hear.

"Don't give in to despair yet, mate. We still have work to do - and we need you."

Maybe it wasn't hope, not yet - but it was a start.


End file.
